Drive-By Truckers - The President's Penis Is Missing
[purchase]
May as well make today's post topical. This song appeared on the Trucker's 1999 effort, Pizza Deliverance. The album went out of print a long time ago but was recently re-mastered and re-issued but this song no longer appears on the official track listing so I dunno if it's still on it or not.
The official lyrics sheet set the song as a play more so than a song so I decided to post them here as Patterson wrote them:
The President's Penis is Missing
(NEWS FLASH!!!) (scene: the press corps have descended upon the White House, a spokesperson begins to speak:)“They looked in the White House and Capitol Hill
They looked everywhere for Buffalo Bill
We called every scholar, reporter, and genius
Has anyone seen the President’s penis?”
“It ain’t in the Congress or Judiciary
It ain’t in the Smithsonian or that big ole library
an astronomer claims it was sighted on Venus
Has anyone seen the President’s penis?”
(now the entire press corp. erupts in song:)
“THE PRESIDENT’S PENIS IS MISSING OLE’!!!
WE SEARCHED HIGH AND LOW, EVERY NIGHT EVERYDAY
LORD, WON’T YOU COME DOWN AND REDEEM US
HAS ANYONE SEEN THE PRESIDENT’S PENIS?”
(at this point, legendary news man Walter Cronkite returns from the moon to add his commentary:)
“Now Presidents have goofed up in all kinds of ways
in the 80’s we elected one missing his brain
George Washington caught a cold he couldn’t explain
and we all know the truth about Thomas Jefferson’s name”
(suddenly William Randolph Hurst rises from the grave and bellows out in an Orson Welles type voice:)
“Franklin D. Roosevelt wasn’t no square
with that raging Woodrow in his wheelchair
and all the lesbians snickered that Elenor didn’t care
and John Kennedy’s penis was seen everywhere”
(once again everyone breaks out in gleeful song:)
“THE PRESIDENT’S PENIS IS MISSING OLE’!!!
WE SEARCHED HIGH AND LOW EVERY NIGHT EVERY DAY
LORD WON’T YOU COME DOWN AND REDEEM US
HAS ANYONE SEEN THE PRESIDENT’S PENIS?”
(the scene shifts to Sen. John Glenn, wandering pensively, somewhere in space:)
“Them outer space people would laugh if they’d seen us
all this talk about cum-stains and oral coitus
meanwhile the whole world suffers from hunger and meanness
but we’re more concerned with the President’s penis”
THE END?